I saw this come across my timeline this morning and it made me smile. My three words I chose to focus on for 2017 are Me. Myself. I. All selfish—perhaps. But I knew that something had to give. This is the year I needed to make it about me.
All my life the voice inside told me that life was about serving others. Serve.
The one word that has defined my life.
For the first time I’m starting to realize that in order to live out this life plan, to serve—I need to serve myself, first and foremost. Discovering this concept has been a long time coming. I give to everyone else first and what is left is mine.
The problem is, this isn’t working for me anymore. I feel too much. I realize too much. I am doing too much. I need to step away, focus inward. And it’s NOT because of depression.
But it might have been catapulted by anxiety in November and December. It was off the charts. I couldn’t get it in control. Everything was stressing me out. My health suffered greatly. It wasn’t until the middle of January maybe, after FINALLY sucking it up and going to the doctor at the end of 2016, that I started to feel normalish again.
Of course this was also partially because i started really focusing on Me Myself and I. The extra-curricular service activities I was involved with, needed to be pushed to the side. My paying jobs involved working in the community, everything outside of that started to feel like more work and stress instead of serving.
My free time that once went towards the community when I wasn’t working had a different purpose. Now that i found myself in over my head with work—any free time needed to be, well, selfish.
Reading. Writing. Singing. Cooking.
Not running events, doing sponsorship, public relations and marketing. I do that everyday and that section of my soul is already satisfied. Why it took me this long to realize, who knows.
My husband who is serving as the director of an volunteer organization fired me from my leadership role a few weeks ago. A month prior to that, I quit the one position on my own. You see, I thought i could manage ALL THE THINGS and chose to do it because, well, if I wanted to and my heart was in it—and I had the time…I would excel and enjoy watching the organization succeed, actually even more so, watching my husband succeed.
When I took on the responsibility I wasn’t working as many hours, suddenly I had opportunities to do similar work, but paid. Which we needed badly since the husband was still looking for work. Over time, I just ignored the responsibilities and hated myself more and more each day because of it. My husband firing me was the best thing that could have ever happened this year. I realize now—doing something that my heart and soul is not behind, just because I can, and I could be good at it—isn’t serving MY highest good. Even if I thought at the time that doing it for my Husband would be …cause when I say Me Myself and I—he is implied as an equal in that equation.
Except, he’s not. And he is the one who ultimately taught me that lesson without even realizing.