When you begin to operate from the realm of intuition, you automatically move to the next level in your development — self authority. This quality is dependent on the ability to listen to the guidance springing from within. -Empaths and Healers
I woke up today in a pretty ok mood. Which is rare the last few weeks. I didn’t curse the morning. I got into the office, saw the dark clouds outside, realized it was going to rain and went about drinking my coffee. I had decided I was going to leave work early and go home to take the puppies out and change before heading to my “meeting” late that afternoon. 45 minutes away.
The more I was at work thinking about the meeting, the grumpier I got. While I was excited and talked myself into what a perfect fit this potential sidegig could be (two months ago it was a sign!) I ended up applying on the last possible day. I had a great first phone call. And honestly figured they would be crazy not to want me.
All morning I had a sense of I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go to meet them because I decided I didn’t want the position. Of course I did want it but I didn’t. It is a perfect fit, I would love it I would do amazing. AND as all things, I know it would be more work than it let on to be…and a lot more events and meetings and driving than I ultimately wanted. Although making all the new networking connections would be amazing and the work is work i already do and love…something was telling me NO—-TOO MUCH TIME.
Ha, and then it hit me. I’ve been saying I want MORE time to myself and to write and just be—-quiet my soul, find myself. My depression the last month and my mom being in the accident has really put an extra toll on things slowing me down even further. had just managed the last few months to put the intention out to the unverse that I wanted more time to do REAL ESTATE and to WRITE and I got exactly what I asked for—and cleared my schedule of commitments (derby, ed foundation, calico club, freelance govt meetings) and what was I about to do? Interview for a position that would make me be that person again—-with a new group of people—but farther away from home. (City and Amherst—-45 minutes each way.) I LOVE THIS IDEA. And the Jenny from 5 years ago, even a year or two ago loves this idea.
BUT I’M TRYING TO MOVE IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK ON MY COMFORT ZONE only to discover in two years that I’m overwhelmed again and want quiet, me time. I cycle like this all the time…maybe it’s time to stop.
Forgetting about what you love to do can be a form of self-sabotage. –Getting Back to What You Love
The hardest part for me in trying to listen to this inner voice, inner wisdom, is understanding that I can change my mind…AND IT’S OK. I’m not necessarily flaking out or blaming depression or not feeling good. IT IS OK TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT.
I can write these words, but knowing this deep down, nope. Cue all the negative self-talk some of it a whisper but other SHOUTING IN ALL CAPS—I’m stupid, I’m an idiot. Why can’t I make up my mind? I’m irresponsible. I should know better.
And then the excuses…and trying to convince myself that my intuition (which has changed) is wrong…just go, you aren’t wanting to go because you are depressed, there’s stuff to do in the office, because it’s rainy, because you’re tired. You can interview and not take the job, you could use the extra money.
I tell the husband I don’t want to go. He tells me to just go anyhow, what do I have to lose? I draw a tarot card for “reassurance” and “guidance” it’s the Emperor. I read the descriptions, it could go either way. I already have decided I’m not going and I talk to Colleen, seeking clarity. She listens.
I’m still trying to convince myself that I need to just “suck it up buttercup” and head out. The real problem here is, I MADE UP MY MIND and I’m actually ok with my decision, but I’m trying to talk myself out of it.
ARUGH. How fucked up am I?
So…I ended up not going. I felt fine knowing I didn’t want to go. HWMMS wasn’t disappointed. My only disappointment, which was WORTHY was I planned on meeting my friend Jenn afterwards. But now that I wasn’t making the hike up North, I would be canceling out on her, again.
Why can’t I just trust myself like a grown adult? Why do i have to question and second guess and berate myself?
I want to write. I want time at home to garden. I want the flexibility to not have meetings scheduled several times a week. I want to focus on Real Estate.
(The alternate to this thought—the failure in me part—says I want to find a good paying full-time job in my field because I’m not going to make a living at real estate and I can just focus on helping a few people instead of stressing myself out over not pulling my share.) ___I DON’T BELIEVE THIS MIND YOU EVERYTHING I FEEL IN MY GUT SAYS GO FOR IT YOU CAN DO IT. But my brain is stopping me—-BIG TIME. Road block. Another thing I would like to discover through counseling, why am I doing this?
I love a lot of things. I love the idea of that job I interviewed for. But what do I LOVE what does my inner voice tell me?