Yep. These three things are all true:
- I’m going through a “spiritual enlightening, awakening…”
- I’m crawling out of a bout of depresssion
- Family life with mom has been stressful the last month.
Some of the above statements might have affected/created/aided in the others? Maybe my depression is really more #1 or #3? Who knows.
All I know is that the spiritual cord between my mother and myself is RIDICULOUSLY STRONG. This I have always known, but since this accident it is even more apparent. Is it honest and truly possible that my depression———is HERS? AND NOT MINE? Cause damn I feel/felt it. My only doubt came when knowing I’ve been compliant with my meds and that is almost exclusively the reason why I notice myself entering into the depression dark hole. This time was different than the last few times. I was taking my Zoloft.
TODAY? My mom came out of that god-forsaken home and I took her out for lunch, back in our old stomping grounds. A ride right past the house we grew up in, lunch at the place we used to go to with dad as kids. Lots and lots of memories. All in all, a peaceful drive and lovely afternoon.
I feel CONTENT. I felt CONTENT last night in the middle of the night for the first time in forever. After having a headache—–all day. I almost wrote it on Twitter but I was afraid to jinx it. Cause the one day I said I thought I was feeling better, well, the next few days I obviously wasn’t.
My mom is obviously over the moon. She can walk on her own again, she is getting released from her prison (unlike so many others who won’t be…) As she sat here on the couch sleeping all I could think was “relief.” Everything was good in the world again.
I selfishly told my brother last night when I told him I planned on taking mom out of the home for most of the weekend that I was doing it for ME—not just her. This isn’t untrue—I CAN’T HANDLE THAT PLACE. Well, obviously I can handle it, just am not very good at it.\
How true though. I know mom can drive me batty, in an instant but my goodness, I’m just so relief and at peace that she can leave. THIS HAS TO BE Hy. ER FEELING. And I’m right there with her feeling it strongly.
I also realize that all week I KNEW I was going to be with her for the weekend. Now this isn’t really a surprise, we anticipated her appointment would go well, and I knew I didn’t want her there any longer than she had to be, but I absolutely KNEW she would be spending a few days with me at Weber Wonderland. Not a doubt in my mind. 99% of the time this would be something I might propose, or wish I felt like I would propose and Mom and Keith would just shit on the idea and do their own thing and mom would be home. But not this time. Keith isn’t even questioning her staying with me for the next few days—–NEITHER IS MOM (which is the really odd part…she could just as easily be at her home too…but nope.) It’s odd. Odd because it is such a certain feeling I had and nothing ever is certain when it comes to them. Ever.