So I was talking to a few friends last week about my hesitancy to stand up and give messages in public. I am not one that enjoys the spotlight and I have the most incredible critic that just loves to tell me that I am not worthy of said spotlight. You want to know who that critic is….ME. I constantly hear my mothers voice in my head telling me:
“It doesn’t matter what you look like cause no ones looking at you anyway.”
Thanks mom for raising me to be a confident woman! The thought of putting myself in a position that people ARE looking at me makes my heart race and I just want to hide. I know that public speaking is number one on the list of things that people have a fear of so I am not alone in that respect….still doesn’t make it any easier though or less intimidating. Needless to say I am finally gaining more and more confidence with regard to standing in front of a crowd of people and sharing my thoughts…so I may be finally conquering that fear…finally.
I know I “blame” mom for the cruel words she used in my most formidable years and I was just asked to think when I am grumbling about my childhood…what was my mother’s childhood like. I know it was a tough one and she probably heard that growing up as well, or some version of that.
My parents both came from monetarily poor families but I believe that they were both rich in love and the importance of family. I know my grandparents, whether they were just called grandma and grandpa or just felt like that to me because of our relationship, loved my siblings and I very very much and I know the time that we spent with them throughout our lives was filled with much love and laughter.
I believe one of the lessons that I came into this life to learn was to change the view that I had as to what love, family and relationship looked like. I know there are a lot of other lessons that I choose to learn and I am working hard at figuring them out.
What are some of the lessons that you came into the life to learn…..
Not really sure what to call what happened earlier tonight other than a breakdown/through. I was on my way home from my mentoring group and I just start ranting to myself in the car just yelling about how enough was enough…that I no longer wanted to feel the way I was feeling.
When I got home and walked through the door I just dropped to my knees and let the tears flow along with my continued ranting. In all of that ranting I realized what it was that I had been sad/angry/resentful about, I realized that I have been beating myself up for not being my parents definition of perfection and have been craving to have them to tell me they are proud of me for something I have done that I need to make my own definition perfection, that the only one that needs to be proud of me is me.
I am on my knees as I cast my sadness, anger and resentment onto the foot of the cross of the Divine.
In there place I claim love, joy, grace, and dominion in there place. I ask the Divine to wrap me in all these things and me to feel his unending love, joy, grace and dominion in my life. I open myself to your divine calling and trust that the Divine will show me my next right step.
When it was done I stood up and made my dinner…lol. I knew at that moment that everything that I had holding onto was finished, that my sense of calm was that of true grace. That the Divine had stepped in and had wrapped me in his embrace giving me the clarity that I have been seeking. I will continue to listen to his guidance as I am his willing servant. I will be the seer and the healer that he has been calling me to be. I surrender to his grace with faith that it will bring me abundance in all that I am asked to do. If I falter I know the Divine will be there to lift me up and show me the grace that I have forgotten to show myself.
I know I will stumble and fall but it is in the grace with which I get back up and continue on my path of faith that is what true unconditional love for self is about.
This is something that is discussed amongst my peers these days. Are you brave enough to let Spirit guide you when they whisper in your ear or do you ignore it and hope that it will go away?
I think that many times people ignore that whisper…to ignore Spirit….no matter what it is telling us…we believe if we just pretend that we don’t hear it it will go away. The universe and Spirit lets us do this only for so long, until we are ready to listen and all them to take the lead. When we finally allow ourselves to be open to what Spirit is saying a whole new world unfolds in front of us.
I believe that is what Spirit allowed me to do…to ignore their guidance until they knew I was ready to listen and be guided. I was not a very good “student” per say as I did not want to be who I was who I am. I so did not want to be who I now know I am, who I always knew I was. I am a nature intuitive and a natural healer.
Once I embraced that part of me and trusted to listen to that still quite voice I began to feel more at peace with myself. Now when I hear that whisper pointing me down a path I listen and follow without hesitation. I show-up for myself everyday and have learned that sometimes I have to step off that scary cliff, that I will get knocked up against the sharp edges of the side of the cliff but my wings will appear just when I need them and I will soar higher than I ever imagined possible.
I cannot wait for all the amazing things that are coming my way. What are you waiting for?