development circle

How does one choose a development circle? When is the right time? What if I’m not able to develop any of these skills? Do I choose to go to one led by my already mentor and someone who knows me inside and out? Or do I choose to try to find someone else? What if I feel like I’m being called to go meet someone else? Is that real? Do I follow? Do I wait?

I was thinking about taking mom to Lilydale for Sunday service, she’s never had a reading before and well, it would be a nice drive and a nice time and maybe someone (Jack?) would call on her and give her a message. Only Jack is going to be in Erie on Sunday not Lilydale. Colleen texted and said they would be back in town by 1pm. Or mom could get a reading from one of (and then she mentioned three different mediums.) Is one of those mediums supposed to be the person I connect with? Is that why I was feeling pulled to Sunday?

So many questions ALWAYS IN MY HEAD and no answers, just flying away on a wing and a prayer…

development circle

The Connection is STRONG


Yep. These three things are all true:

  1. I’m going through a “spiritual enlightening, awakening…”
  2. I’m crawling out of a bout of depresssion
  3. Family life with mom has been stressful the last month.

Some of the above statements might have affected/created/aided in the others? Maybe my depression is really more #1 or #3? Who knows.

All I know is that the spiritual cord between my mother and myself is RIDICULOUSLY STRONG. This I have always known, but since this accident it is even more apparent. Is it honest and truly possible that my depression———is HERS? AND NOT MINE? Cause damn I feel/felt it. My only doubt came when knowing I’ve been compliant with my meds and that is almost exclusively the reason why I notice myself entering into the depression dark hole. This time was different than the last few times. I was taking my Zoloft.

TODAY? My mom came out of that god-forsaken home and I took her out for lunch, back in our old stomping grounds. A ride right past the house we grew up in, lunch at the place we used to go to with dad as kids. Lots and lots of memories. All in all, a peaceful drive and lovely afternoon.

I feel CONTENT. I felt CONTENT last night in the middle of the night for the first time in forever. After having a headache—–all day. I almost wrote it on Twitter but I was afraid to jinx it. Cause the one day I said I thought I was feeling better, well, the next few days I obviously wasn’t.

My mom is obviously over the moon. She can walk on her own again, she is getting released from her prison (unlike so many others who won’t be…) As she sat here on the couch sleeping all I could think was “relief.” Everything was good in the world again.

I selfishly told my brother last night when I told him I planned on taking mom out of the home for most of the weekend that I was doing it for ME—not just her. This isn’t untrue—I CAN’T HANDLE THAT PLACE. Well, obviously I can handle it,  just am not very good at it.\

How true though. I know mom can drive me batty, in an instant but my goodness, I’m just so relief and at peace that she can leave. THIS HAS TO BE Hy. ER FEELING. And I’m right there with her feeling it strongly.

I also realize that all week I KNEW I was going to be with her for the weekend. Now this isn’t really a surprise, we anticipated her appointment would go well, and I knew I didn’t want her there any longer than she had to be, but I absolutely KNEW she would be spending a few days with me at Weber Wonderland. Not a doubt in my mind. 99% of the time this would be something I might propose, or wish I felt like I would propose and Mom and Keith would just shit on the idea and do their own thing and mom would be home. But not this time. Keith isn’t even questioning her staying with me for the next few days—–NEITHER IS MOM (which is the really odd part…she could just as easily be at her home too…but nope.) It’s odd. Odd because it is such a certain feeling I had and nothing ever is certain when it comes to them. Ever.

The Connection is STRONG


My ears are always ringing. Since I can remember…a constant ringing. I assumed it was because I had a lot of ear infections as a child (including tubes, a few times.) And ear infections as an adult. And I probably have some of a hearing loss because US SMITHS TALK REALLY LOUDLY. I honestly can’t remember not having my ears ring. I just notice it sometimes more than others and it usually “goes away.”

This past year I’ve been tweeting a lot about how MY EARS ARE RINGING SO LOUDLY and using the hashtag #tinnitus. Someone saw one of these tweets and mentioned that ear ringing can also be a sign of spiritual awakening.

Ears Ringing? It Could Mean You Have This Spiritual Skill

Why are my ears ringing?

Hmmm. I’m not completely convinced, but as in all these things…I’m listening.

I know one night I did ask spirit to STOP THE LOUD RINGING PLEASE. And it subsided a bit.

And I have been trying to see if there is any correlation to when I hear an almost DING (like hitting a triangle) above and beyond the ringing. Sometimes in my left ear, sometimes in my right. So far it’s not making total sense, I do notice in the moment what I’m thinking or doing or seeing but it really isn’t a confirmation like the spiritual chills I get. WHICH ARE ALWAYS SPOT ON (and have been for years and I never really thought much about them…)


Synchronicity? Coincidence?

I just published this post and started another and about 15 minutes into writing—-a commercial for TINNITUS RELIEF comes on the television. Huh? Ok, it is late night television but I’ve never seen nor heard of any drops advertised for ringing ears.



Trust Your Inner Voice

When you begin to operate from the realm of intuition, you automatically move to the next level in your development — self authority. This quality is dependent on the ability to listen to the guidance springing from within. -Empaths and Healers

I woke up today in a pretty ok mood. Which is rare the last few weeks. I didn’t curse the morning.  I got into the office, saw the dark clouds outside, realized it was going to rain and went about drinking my coffee. I had decided I was going to leave work early and go home to take the puppies out and change before heading to my “meeting” late that afternoon. 45 minutes away.

The more I was at work thinking about the meeting, the grumpier I got. While I was excited and talked myself into what a perfect fit this potential sidegig could be (two months ago it was a sign!) I ended up applying on the last possible day. I had a great first phone call. And honestly figured they would be crazy not to want me.

All morning I had a sense of I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go to meet them because I decided I didn’t want the position. Of course I did want it but I didn’t. It is a perfect fit, I would love it I would do amazing. AND as all things, I know it would be more work than it let on to be…and a lot more events and meetings and driving than I ultimately wanted. Although making all the new networking connections would be amazing and the work is work i already do and love…something was telling me NO—-TOO MUCH TIME.

Ha, and then it hit me. I’ve been saying I want MORE time to myself and to write and just be—-quiet my soul, find myself. My depression the last month and my mom being in the accident has really put an extra toll on things slowing me down even further.  had just managed the last few months to put the intention out to the unverse that I wanted more time to do REAL ESTATE and to WRITE and I got exactly what I asked for—and cleared my schedule of commitments (derby, ed foundation, calico club, freelance govt meetings) and what was I about to do? Interview for a position that would make me be that person again—-with a new group of people—but farther away from home. (City and Amherst—-45 minutes each way.) I LOVE THIS IDEA. And the Jenny from 5 years ago, even a year or two ago loves this idea.

BUT I’M TRYING TO MOVE IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK ON MY COMFORT ZONE only to discover in two years that I’m overwhelmed again and want quiet, me time. I cycle like this all the time…maybe it’s time to stop.

Forgetting about what you love to do can be a form of self-sabotage. –Getting Back to What You Love

The hardest part for me in trying to listen to this inner voice, inner wisdom, is understanding that I can change my mind…AND IT’S OK. I’m not necessarily flaking out or blaming depression or not feeling good. IT IS OK TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT.

I can write these words, but knowing this deep down, nope. Cue all the negative self-talk some of it a whisper but other SHOUTING IN ALL CAPS—I’m stupid, I’m an idiot. Why can’t I make up my mind? I’m irresponsible. I should know better.

And then the excuses…and trying to convince myself that my intuition (which has changed) is wrong…just go, you aren’t wanting to go because you are depressed, there’s stuff to do in the office, because it’s rainy, because you’re tired. You can interview and not take the job, you could use the extra money.

I tell the husband  I don’t want to go. He tells me to just go anyhow, what do I have to lose? I draw a tarot card for “reassurance” and “guidance” it’s the Emperor. I read the descriptions, it could go either way. I already have decided I’m not going and I talk to Colleen, seeking clarity. She listens.

I’m still trying to convince myself that I need to just “suck it up buttercup” and head out. The real problem here is, I MADE UP MY MIND and I’m actually ok with my decision, but I’m trying to talk myself out of it.

ARUGH. How fucked up am I?

So…I ended up not going. I felt fine knowing I didn’t want to go. HWMMS wasn’t disappointed. My only disappointment, which was WORTHY was I planned on meeting my friend Jenn afterwards. But now that I wasn’t making the hike up North, I would be canceling out on her, again.

Why can’t I just trust myself like a grown adult? Why do i have to question and second guess and berate myself?

Self-sabotage. Yep.

I want to write.  I want time at home to garden. I want the flexibility to not have meetings scheduled several times a week. I want to focus on Real Estate.

(The alternate to this thought—the failure in me part—says I want to find a good paying full-time job in my field because I’m not going to make a living at real estate and I can just focus on helping a few people instead of stressing myself out over not pulling my share.) ___I DON’T BELIEVE THIS MIND YOU EVERYTHING I FEEL IN MY GUT SAYS GO FOR IT YOU CAN DO IT. But my brain is stopping me—-BIG TIME. Road block. Another thing I would like to discover through counseling, why am I doing this?

I love a lot of things. I love the idea of that job I interviewed for. But what do I LOVE what does my inner voice tell me?

Trust Your Inner Voice

Transferring Emotions?

Going along the lines of Clair-annoyance I think Colleen and I might have stumbled upon something the other night. Is there a transferring of one emotion one person to another? As a replacement, not just FEELING the emotion? I wonde

This morning Colleen told me she felt horrible, wanted to stay in bed, no motivation to start the day—-yada, yada, yada. Basically exactly what I feel or what I have been feeling most days than not the last few weeks (month—ish) spot on. Funny thing was, I didn’t feel this way this morning. SHE DID. Was the emotion mine? Did it transfer to her?

Empaths absorb other people’s feelings and emotions like a sponge, I know this all too well, but can they actually squeeze out the emotions from another?

It seemed like I channeled my Husband the other night for certain and Colleen certainly had the same feelings I have when in the middle of a depression.

Something for me to think about.

And while on the subject of empath—-OH MY GOD. I went to dinner with a dear friend who is going through, a lot. As she was speaking—I could FEEL her feelings—intensley. I was crying with/for her.  She kept saying, don’t be sad for me and I wanted to shout I’m not sad for her—I’m HER SADNESS. Ugh. It hit hard. And as I was telling her a little bit of this, I got the spiritual chills, that confirmation from Spirit that I’m spot on. My heart…this is something I’ve always known about myself, I care deeply. But this time, I swear it was more intense. I could have been inside her while the words were flowing. It was, well. More than usual. And sad and somewhat beautiful that I can connect with someone I love in this way.

She also showed me a photo of someone she was speaking about. And as I looked at the photo, my heart—-oh my heart. I saw all the things she saw and felt all the things she felt just by that one glance. Again, another thing I’ve not experienced at that level before. I was paying attention. I also had some “moments of friendship advice….” (which is what  used to think it was….) but really think was an intuitive voice of spirit guiding me to help her…

None of these things is unusual for me, I’ve been this person all my life but putting it in the context of a spiritual awakening and paying attention and listening.

Transferring Emotions?


Readings from the past 

I need to find these tapes, I’m sure they are somewhere.

July 1994 was my first reading. Joey was around that Summer too. I remember being terrified, not wanting to hear from my dad but wanting to hear from my dad. I had walls WAY up during this reading and the medium tore them down, got through to my dad by bringing up my mom. She saw the photo I kept of my dad at my side, a B&W one from his days in the Army and described it to me. I knew it was him. I also remember her telling me that I would not find my partner until “much later in life” and that she didn’t see kids. IF I remember correctly, she also mentioned this person was someone in a big city, someplace huge I’ve never been…a cold, East coast city and I was doing well because I’m wearing a nice tailored winter jacket. I also might remember her saying the name Richard. Which at the time mean my High School boyfriend who I knew I would not be with (I wanted to hear the name Jay at that time…) Sigh. The other part I vividly remember about this reading was that I would be moving abruptly. Later that day Katie got an eviction notice from her summer apartment because they found out she had a cat.

Journals From The Past

Oh boy, I remember the moment I knew knew knew I had to end things with Mark…my brother and sister in law went to Lilydale for the first time and they called me to tell me about it while Mark and I were driving home after visiting Gma at the nursing home. As I listened to their experience, Mark drove quietly. After we hung up conversation began. Loaded conversation.  I knew he was an atheist and didn’t believe in anything after death, this bothered me when I imagined a future together. Someday with him over my bedside while I’m dying knowing he doesn’t believe like I did. Ugh. That conversation was always a hard one and eventually we would just sweep it back under the rug, but not that time. That time. I knew. It was over.

The power of readings. Or in the case above, readings of someone else!

I haven’t listened to the tapes in a very, very long time. I don’t know where they are at the moment, I know when I found them for that blog post I didn’t have a cassette tape player though. I need to find them. I want to relisten, with open eyes.



So if I do accept this path. Where do I begin? How do I even start? What do I have to do to figure these gifts out? What my place in the world really is? Arugh. Quiet my mind, meditate, listen? Is that where I start? Ask the questions of my guides and hope I might hear or feel or just know the right answer?

I have no idea…it seems like a lot of internal thought and listening though, light years more than I have been committing to. Can I do it? Do I have the strength? Willpower?