Dredging Along

I know that most of this post is coming from my mood. I dislike the muggy warm weather so much. AND the darn internet is slow as molasses today at home.

That said, every other week or so I get really upset and frustrated over my decision to go into real estate. Sometimes this is brought on by HWMMS sometimes myself. Today, not sure where it came from other then the fact that yesterday, HWMMS once again said “I should probably try to sell the Challenger” Sigh.

I haven’t blogged about this yet but when I was in a seminar around “THE ONE THING” through the brokerage I’m a part of, I realized I didn’t really have a ONE THING that was working towards when starting and moving forward with my real estate career, well, nothing specific. Having enough money to make a living isn’t a specific thing. IN CAME THE WORDS “I want to make sure HWMMS never has to sell his Challenger.”

I guess that’s my ONE THING. Making sure my husband can keep his mistress. 🙂 Which really means, giving back to him the ability to continue to live the life we have together over the past few years. I have  A LONG WAY TO GO to get to that point though, real estate wise. Then again, I’m a year and a half into this career with all buyers I’m working with in one of the tightest markets for buyers in WNY. Great timing.

So…today I was frustrated again. I noticed a friend who asked me about real estate last year, just bought a house. I know she was getting ready to look and she wanted information on maybe buying the double she was currently living in at the time. I gave her my mortgage guy and encouraged her first steps….

And then a year later she bought a house. This also happened with another person from Roller Derby. She asked me questions, I helped, ish and didn’t follow up. She bought a house, with an agent she wasn’t even fond of and asked me questions during the process.

BOTH of these people I could have helped. I should have helped. I thought I was sort of helping? But no. I’m not even a little bit assertive in this regard.

And sure there are a million agents out there, even a thousand good ones…I can’t possibly be offended or take these things personally. But today, I did, for just a moment.

I sat for a few, feeling defeated. Wondering if I should get out while, well, not ahead…even though HWMMS and I talked about it and decided I was renewing my license and giving it another 2 years. The first years are tough. And it’s not that I’m not working with people and building relationships…but the money, well, the money hasn’t followed. YET.

I NEED TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE (yikes, interestingly enough, this statement came from my fingers through automatic writing just now, it wasn’t the train of thought I was heading for…)

In a moment of trying to figure it out. Thinking “give it up” was the way I should go, I pulled a card—-THREE OF WANDS.

Not even a little bit, give it up. In fact, polar opposite and exactly the message I get every, single time I think about my future with real estate (which is annoying, but comforting at the same time.)

From Psychic Revelation:

Introduction: When the 3 of Wands appears, you are likely to find that your finances are going much better, in fact this can be the month that your proverbial ship has come in…You may be finally experiencing some important success after you’ve been through some difficulty.

General: In general the 3 of Wands refers to work, in an extremely positive way. Give yourself some credit.

Work: When the 3 of Wands appears in the context of work, it tells us that you have a lot to be proud of regarding your work performance, even if you haven’t quite seen the rewards you would expect from this yet.

Finances: Things are looking up financially. Your hard work is already in the process of being rewarded whether you see evidence of this yet or not. You may do better financially than you had ever dreamed.

Every. Single. Time. I doubt Real Estate, I’m reminded of this same message. I don’t believe this is a coincidence. I was led to this path for a reason, I would like to believe the reason is to provide a living for my family that also enables a flexible schedule…for whatever may come next (foster children? adoption?)

Yep.

My mood lifted a little after seeing this message, again. AND THEN MY FRIEND TEXTED ME saying she was not working out of town this week, but would be working from home and wanted to know if I had time to meet—to talk about her looking for a house.

Within minutes.

I’m listening…

Dredging Along

Fear of the Spotlight

So I was talking to a few friends last week about my hesitancy to stand up and give messages in public.  I am not one that enjoys the spotlight and I have the most incredible critic that just loves to tell me that I am not worthy of said spotlight.  You want to know who that critic is….ME.  I constantly hear my mothers voice in my head telling me:

“It doesn’t matter what you look like cause no ones looking at you anyway.”

Thanks mom for raising me to be a confident woman!  The thought of putting myself in a position that people ARE looking at me makes my heart race and I just want to hide.  I know that public speaking is number one on the list of things that people have a fear of so I am not alone in that respect….still doesn’t make it any easier though or less intimidating.  Needless to say I am finally gaining more and more confidence with regard to standing in front of a crowd of people and sharing my thoughts…so I may be finally conquering that fear…finally.

I know I “blame” mom for the cruel words she used in my most formidable years and I was just asked to think when I am grumbling about my childhood…what was my mother’s childhood like.  I know it was a tough one and she probably heard that growing up as well, or some version of that.

My parents both came from monetarily poor families but I believe that they were both rich in love and the importance of family.  I know my grandparents, whether they were just called grandma and grandpa or just felt like that to me because of our relationship, loved my siblings and I very very much and I know the time that we spent with them throughout our lives was filled with much love and laughter.

I believe one of the lessons that I came into this life to learn was to change the view that I had as to what love, family and relationship looked like.  I know there are a lot of other lessons that I choose to learn and I am working hard at figuring them out.

What are some of the lessons that you came into the life to learn…..

Fear of the Spotlight

Barnes & Noble

I took my mom to Barnes & Noble today. While on my way there, I thought about looking at the tarot card options they have for sale, the last time I was there I browse right past. Maybe I would check them out today. While mom was at another part of the store I was over in the spiritual area and I picked up a book or two and once again, skimmed over the shelf with the cards. I don’t know if it is an embarrassment thing or I just didn’t really want to thing or what but I didn’t think about it, I didn’t have the money to buy today anyhow.

Mom is over in the cookbook section and she is looking for a certain book called The Chew? We can’t find it but I say I will go back over to look for her, even though she tells me never mind.  I head over to the computer to search and a sales clerk asks right before I get there if I need help finding anything, I ALMOST say yes, but then just decide to use the computer (the people who were on it right before me just left…)

I enter the search and I look to my left to find a completely random box of TAROT CARDS sitting there left by someone. REALLY? Yes, really.

cat.jpg

Barnes & Noble

Betterman

I’ve been hearing this song in my head the last month or so. It didn’t occur to me that there could be a reason, just another earworm.

I heard it again this afternoon at the bookstore. This was after I randomly ran into a good friend from college who I haven’t seen in forever in the parking lot, a sorority sister. (#1)

Later at Wegman’s the song American Pie came on the radio, sorority song. (#2)

Now it’s after dinner, I just dropped mom off at the home and I’m taking the windy dark road back and I decide for some weird reason to turn on the radio (the entire ride is I think 7 minutes—I’m already 4 minutes in—-no need to turn on the radio. I rarely do. But when I do it is on WBFO-NPR or Jack 92.9.

I turn on the radio and guess what song is playing—-BETTERMAN. And it’s not my normal station, it’s on 102.1. While singing along and OBVIOUSLY thinking that this song is telling me something,

I actually say out loud—is it XXX? Is that why I’m hearing this song, for her?

A friend who might be going through a tough time in her relationship right now. But the song doesn’t remind me of her. And while I’m singing along, I’m having a conversation with spirit in my head knowing it is about someone and I should figure it out. Also, this is another time I spoke out loud acknowledging and asking spirit for guidance. Hmmmmm.

Now I’m home and on the computer. I suddenly am thinking about my friend from college Kim —a sorority sister (who I am not in touch with..long story there but she was an important part of my life in college and beyond.) ACK—Betterman is her song. That song reminds me of her. As I realize this I’m thinking at the same time—she’s engaged. And I go to her Facebook page to look her up and—-she got engaged on St. Patrick’s Day and just went out this weekend to celebrate her engagement with her family. (#3)

Betterman

Palindrome Numbers

What on earth?

So this is the first time I’ve noticed this synchronicity. Palindrome numbers?

I wrote this post right before going to bed: Snoring Puppy.

ALSO interesting—I was thinking about posting this in the past because I blogged too many times today (and to hide it because I’m embarrassed by the last idea I wrote. I changed my mind, because I want to make sure the thought occurred on the page on the right day. I was going to put it on the 12th—which is the only day I don’t have a blog post for this month. 12th is 21st backwards I noted for some reason. And then I went to update my word count for the night so I could go to bed and well, this…

My @CampNaNoWriMo word count 35053. The same backward and forward.

TWICE. Hmmm. Coincidence that I noticed at all? Hmmmmm.

I noticed it. I wrote it down. I also noticed that it was two instances, not three. (Why three again? Because, right?)

Um yeah. No sooner did I think this—I walked into the bedroom and looked at the time and it was—wait for it, 2:22 am.

So, there’s the third.

Now what does this mean if anything? I don’t know. As in all things synchronizations I’m starting to learn it’s a lot of what YOU personally feel inside is the message. There is no right or wrong. All I now is that I noticed it. And I noticed it twice and then thought to myself (in that doubting way) that it wasn’t a message because it didn’t happen in threes—-and then BAM- there’s the third right in front of me. And at that exact moment, I know I’m supposed to be paying attention. I just don’t know WHAT.

The next few minutes I’m in bed researching palindrome number spiritual meanings and finding pretty much nothing and the following thoughts from earlier in the day are floating in my mind. I texted them to myself for later.

12. Babies. Twins. Twice. 222.

Early today, thought a baby will come into our lives…foster? Fostering one and another newborn would come?

I had the thought about the baby quite a bit yesterday and pushed it back into my mind. I also think my dreams have led me down this thought process but I haven’t been writing about it. So I can’t be sure, I just know it’s been in my consciousness.

NEXT DAY.

(Can’t even make this up if I tried and I’m not gonna lie, it’s starting to freak me out that I’m thinking these things in my head days before—and then, well…)

Mom is over. She starts chatting about one of her friends (I don’t know her…) and how this friend’s daughter is “pregnant and having another baby” and considering adoption.

HUH?

Her friend, who is apparently my age, has a 21 year old daughter, who gave birth to a baby boy that the friend is raising for the daughter. The baby boy is about 1 year old. Now the daughter is pregnant with another and there’s not really a good way for the friend to raise another baby and mom says that the daughter is thinking adoption, but isn’t sure.

Wow.

I did plant in mom’s head the idea of my brother and sister-in-law who honestly might be at the point where they could adopt a baby (or even two…) but…well.

My brain was basically sharing this exact story with me this week and then out of nowhere mom mentions this person for the first time.

Yep.

(Also, I know I said my btother, but deep down I think it is me. )

 

Palindrome Numbers

development circle

How does one choose a development circle? When is the right time? What if I’m not able to develop any of these skills? Do I choose to go to one led by my already mentor and someone who knows me inside and out? Or do I choose to try to find someone else? What if I feel like I’m being called to go meet someone else? Is that real? Do I follow? Do I wait?

I was thinking about taking mom to Lilydale for Sunday service, she’s never had a reading before and well, it would be a nice drive and a nice time and maybe someone (Jack?) would call on her and give her a message. Only Jack is going to be in Erie on Sunday not Lilydale. Colleen texted and said they would be back in town by 1pm. Or mom could get a reading from one of (and then she mentioned three different mediums.) Is one of those mediums supposed to be the person I connect with? Is that why I was feeling pulled to Sunday?

So many questions ALWAYS IN MY HEAD and no answers, just flying away on a wing and a prayer…

development circle

The Connection is STRONG

Eegads.

Yep. These three things are all true:

  1. I’m going through a “spiritual enlightening, awakening…”
  2. I’m crawling out of a bout of depresssion
  3. Family life with mom has been stressful the last month.

Some of the above statements might have affected/created/aided in the others? Maybe my depression is really more #1 or #3? Who knows.

All I know is that the spiritual cord between my mother and myself is RIDICULOUSLY STRONG. This I have always known, but since this accident it is even more apparent. Is it honest and truly possible that my depression———is HERS? AND NOT MINE? Cause damn I feel/felt it. My only doubt came when knowing I’ve been compliant with my meds and that is almost exclusively the reason why I notice myself entering into the depression dark hole. This time was different than the last few times. I was taking my Zoloft.

TODAY? My mom came out of that god-forsaken home and I took her out for lunch, back in our old stomping grounds. A ride right past the house we grew up in, lunch at the place we used to go to with dad as kids. Lots and lots of memories. All in all, a peaceful drive and lovely afternoon.

I feel CONTENT. I felt CONTENT last night in the middle of the night for the first time in forever. After having a headache—–all day. I almost wrote it on Twitter but I was afraid to jinx it. Cause the one day I said I thought I was feeling better, well, the next few days I obviously wasn’t.

My mom is obviously over the moon. She can walk on her own again, she is getting released from her prison (unlike so many others who won’t be…) As she sat here on the couch sleeping all I could think was “relief.” Everything was good in the world again.

I selfishly told my brother last night when I told him I planned on taking mom out of the home for most of the weekend that I was doing it for ME—not just her. This isn’t untrue—I CAN’T HANDLE THAT PLACE. Well, obviously I can handle it,  just am not very good at it.\

How true though. I know mom can drive me batty, in an instant but my goodness, I’m just so relief and at peace that she can leave. THIS HAS TO BE Hy. ER FEELING. And I’m right there with her feeling it strongly.

I also realize that all week I KNEW I was going to be with her for the weekend. Now this isn’t really a surprise, we anticipated her appointment would go well, and I knew I didn’t want her there any longer than she had to be, but I absolutely KNEW she would be spending a few days with me at Weber Wonderland. Not a doubt in my mind. 99% of the time this would be something I might propose, or wish I felt like I would propose and Mom and Keith would just shit on the idea and do their own thing and mom would be home. But not this time. Keith isn’t even questioning her staying with me for the next few days—–NEITHER IS MOM (which is the really odd part…she could just as easily be at her home too…but nope.) It’s odd. Odd because it is such a certain feeling I had and nothing ever is certain when it comes to them. Ever.

The Connection is STRONG